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November 22nd, 2007
10:40 pm - Creative Writing Class Journal
So, today went pretty well. No fights, lots of laughs, good food... it was a fun day.
My uncle wasn't too obnoxious. I think Jeff and Debbie had booze in their car... they kept going out there, but they were okay. Debbie has to wear a wig now because her hair is falling out since she does not get the proper nutrition... beer and little food do not make a good diet day in and day out... My parents' new puppy is cute and sweet. We had fun running around outside with her. Anna made me go back to her room and watch her make her cat play the piano. Luke and Michael were funny... there were building a leaf fort outside and even though there were thousands of leaves on the ground, they were still trying to knock even more off of the tree.
Elms was good. It was good to see him. My grandfather was fine too. I don't know if he really knows who I am or not... I think he may have thought I was Anna a few times. He kept getting upset because he thought he had lost his keys and didn't know how he was going to drive his car home. We had to keep reminding him that Mark came an picked him up and would be taking him back home.
After we cleaned up from our meal, we sat around and told funny stories about each other. I admitted to my family that I've written about some of the funny memories in my journal. We had fun teasing Jeff about "the digger." And we all laughed about Elms and his fear of the toilet.
Eric and I left there around 5 and came home for an hour before heading to Eric's sister's house for dessert. I had the apple crisp and skipped the vegan pumpkin pie... it's just not the same as real pie. It was fun and we all laughed and overall, I'm very impressed with how nice the day went.
Now I'm going to go work on the pictures I took today.
Current Mood:  happy
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November 21st, 2007
11:11 pm - CW Class: Off topic
So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Eric and I will be at my sister's house. It's going to be hectic this year. It's Michael's first Thanksgiving with us, so that should be cute. Both of my brothers are going to be there, along with my younger brother's girlfriend (domestic partner?). I don't like her much, she's a real bitch. She cheated on my brother this past summer and she' never really very nice to him. One time, when they got into a fight (yelling, nothing else) she called the police on him and said he hit her (he hadn't, she admitted this later). I honestly don't know why my brother puts up with it, I guess love isn't just blind, it's deaf, dumb and blind. Especially dumb, both meanings of the word.
My grandfather will be there. He's at least tolerable now. Alzheimer's can often make people get mean, but it made him nicer. My uncle will be there too. He's kind of obnoxious. And he's too much like his father (said grandfather that would be there) minus the Alzheimer's niceness factor. He's not a very good person. His youngest daughter got married last month. For some dumb reason, my uncle got mad at her and called everyone who was invited to the wedding and told them it had been canceled, and it hadn't, so my cousin had no one at the wedding.
This will be the first time I've seen my older brother since he went into rehab. It'll be good to see him. To support him, we're not having any alcohol this year. If my younger brother and his "woman" bring alcohol, I'll be pissed and I'll probably start a big fight. The two of them drink too much. Debbie told my mother that the first thing she has when she wakes up is a beer.
My niece and nephews will be cute. And my mother will be her kooky self. My father will mostly play games with the kids. So it should still be fun, despite the soap opera leanings my family has always had. My sister and I had a big (very big) fight a few months ago and we both said things to each other that we shouldn't have... we made up but we did so without really discussing what we said to each other. But for tomorrow, we'll forget about it.
Like I said, it should be fun. I hope I survive it.
Current Mood:  crazy
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November 19th, 2007
10:24 pm - CW Class: Fear
Well, I no longer have to write about fear because in class we were asked about how the journals were going and I mentioned that I felt like I was feeling like I had run out of things to write about my topic. The professor said I could write about anything I wanted to now.
So, what do I want to write about? Tonight, I can't really think about anything. I'm worried about Pixel. The vet put her on a special diet (and I spent over $50 on the food for her) but she doesn't want anything to do with it. I've always thought a cat would eat if it got hungry enough, but since Friday she's only eaten the bare minimum to stay alive. She was very lethargic today. I called the vet to ask what we should do but before the vet could call me back, she got up onto the counter and found the bag of her own food and chewed a hole in it to get to the food.
Before, when we were trying to find out what was wrong with her, and all we had to deal with was the blood in her stool, she was happy and playful. Now that we know what it is and are trying to treat it, she's miserable. I feel bad for her.
I've put Cleo on the same diet because the vet said it is okay, and I didn't want to try to feed one cat one thing while the other cat was getting something else... Cleo's been miserable too. I sneak her regular food to her when I can.
I don't know what we're going to do. The vet suggested mixing in her old food with the new food and slowly lessen the old food until she's only eating the new. I think she's just eating the old stuff and leaving the new stuff there. Poor thing.
Current Mood:  distressed
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November 15th, 2007
10:13 pm - CW Class: Fear
When I was four and my mother took us and left my father for Roger, we lived on a farm in Upstate New York for the winter. While there we had a little white dog named (not very original) Fluffy. Fluffy was small, just about the size of a toy poodle. But Fluffy made up for her size by meanness. She would bite us kids whenever she got a chance to. If she couldn't get our skin, she gnawed on our clothing.
One day I was trying to cross the iced-over driveway and had made it to the middle when Fluffy charged me and started pulling on my pants leg while growling. I panicked because not only was I afraid she was going to bite me, I was also afraid of falling on the ice. I stood in the middle of the driveway and cried as the dog continued to chew on my jeans and snarl.
My brother decided to be a hero. He grabbed his sled and threw it and himself towards the ground in order to get to me as fast as he could to rescue me. He misjudged his throw and smacked his chin against the metal head of the sled. His mouth slammed shut and his teeth pierced his tongue straight through. His scream did what my cries had not... Fluffy headed for the hills.
My brother rolled around on the ground, blood pouring from his mouth, turning the white snow scarlet. He ended up with four stitches in his tongue. He got ice-cream. I got whipped. Fluffy got a bone.
I didn't cry when springtime rolled around and we left that flea-bitten dog on the farm.
Current Mood:  cranky
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November 14th, 2007
10:39 pm - CW Class: Fear
I don't know if I've told this story here from when I was little. It's also when I was five and we lived in the apartment in Harendale.
My brother's friend, Clifton, told us that Bigfoot lived in the woods behind our apartment building. In those same woods there was a small pink house surrounded by broken down cars where an extremely hairy man lived who was obviously the Wolfman, so we wanted to believe him. Clifton, however, was known as a liar, so we mostly disbelieved him. Because we were suspended between truth and lies, we decided to find out for ourselves.
On warm afternoon my brothers and I stood on our balcony (we lived on the third floor of a three story building). For over an hour we shouted "Bigfoot!" "Bigfoot!" over and over again. We stopped to have lunch but as soon as we finished our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, we were right back on the balcony calling "Bigfoot!" "Bigfoot!" and willing to do so for another hour or two until we knew the truth of his existence.
Jeff, my younger brother, gave an exceptionally long and piercing "Bigfoooooooooooot!" and then there was a deep, growling "What?" sent back to us... and three young kids tried very hard to get through one small door at the same time. We cried and screamed and would not leave the house for a week. We may never have gone outside again except that my mother took us outside and led us around the woods to show us that Bigfoot did not live there. She told us it must have been one of the men who lived downstairs who worked at night and slept during the day. Our bellows for Bigfoot must have woken him up and driven him nearly insane until he was forced to do something to shut us up.
Eventually, we believed her because we started playing outside again. And we continued to creepy up on the Wolfman's house to throw rocks at his cars to make him come outside to yell at us just so we could see his hairy, wolfish face.
Current Mood:  devious
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November 12th, 2007
10:19 pm - CW Class: Fear
When I was driving today
I saw the most beautiful tree.
It was covered in orange
and red leaves
and where sunlight touched
they were like flames.
And I don't think
you love me anymore
There was tire swing
hanging from the strongest branch
and I bet the child
who played on that swing
felt like they were
a phoenix rising.
Current Mood:  curious
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November 11th, 2007
01:20 pm - CW Class: Fear (the last break)
The third and final thing I will write about regarding stopping me in my tracks:
On Friday Eric told me that starting in January his company will be allowing health insurance for domestic partners. Which is very good for me since I've been without health insurance since last February. What floored me about him telling this story is that he said someone asked him who "Heidi" was and he hesitated before replying "my significant other."
Why should this stop me in my tracks? It does because Eric doesn't often think about what our relationship is. He said he didn't want to say just girlfriend because what we have is so much more than that. He didn't want to say "partner" because then everyone assumes you mean "same sex" partner. He didn't think significant other quite covered it either, and he laughed and said he wondered what they would have thought if he had called me his "insignificant" other. I told him he should have called me his non-domestic partner since I don't have many domestic leanings... But all joking aside, I've often had problems describing what he is. I mean, when you've been with someone for 13 years, lived with them for 9 of those 13 years, are not married to them but in almost all aspects, live like wife and husband, it seems kind of trivial to say "girlfriend" and "boyfriend." With one group of Internet friends, I simply refer to him as "Other."
When I don't feel like describing our relationship, I say "boyfriend" because it's easier. On Friday, our insurance agent came over to go over our policy (and try to sell us more insurance). Some of the questions she asked had to do with our relationship because insurance coverage on our property. But we are now considered domestic partners by them too, and we get discounts on multiple cars in one household, etc. In some ways, I feel like we are growing up, accepting new responsibilities in our relationship.
Current Mood:  okay
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November 9th, 2007
11:16 pm - CW Class: Fear (break #2)
The second thing to stop me in my tracks this week was the vet bill for Pixel's colonoscopy. A couple of weeks ago she had a sonogram that cost over $400. And it found nothing. Her colonoscopy cost over $1,200. The good thing is that it did get results. Pixel has IBD (Irritable Bowel Disease) which is manageable but not curable. On Monday she will go on steroids and a dose of antibiotics.
I know this is the real reason her previous owners dumped her at a shelter. But I love her and I'll do what I can to make sure she has a healthy, happy life. I don't think love should be thrown away so easily. Someone actually had the nerve to ask my why I didn't just have her put to sleep... Sometimes I really hate people.
Anyhow, at least now we know she doesn't have to have surgery. Surgery dealing with colons in cats is very dangerous because of the risk of infections... well, you know what's in colons, so it makes sense that it would be a high risk operation.
She'll be okay. She's pretty spoiled and living the good life now.
Current Mood:  determined
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November 8th, 2007
10:33 pm - CW Class: Fear (a break from it)
So, I get to break from my topic of fear... this week I get to write about 3 things that stopped me in my tracks... tonight, I'll write about one of them.
My mother and father bought a new puppy. They paid over $400 for an Lhasa Apso. This floor me because most months they can barely pay their bills. And not only did they spend that much on just buying the dog, they also have had to pay over $300 for vet bills for the puppy for ear mites and fleas, not to mention second shots.
When they described the place they bought the dog from, I did not think "puppy mill" because the dogs were allowed to run around in a large enclosure outside... however, I seriously think the man they bought the dog from gets them from a puppy mill. If I'm right, there's a good chance they will have other medical problems with the pup.
My parents just aren't responsible enough to have pets. They never did fully house-break the last two dogs they owned and they're already half way giving up on this one. They thought they would crate train the pooch, so they bought a crate. The reason crate training works is that dogs will normally not go to the bathroom where they sleep, so you're teaching them to hold it. They can last at least 7 hours in a crate (as long as they are healthy and have been allowed to go before they are crated). However, you have to give them pretty much just enough space to sleep.
After trying the crate two nights, my mom gave up on it because the puppy pooped anyhow and then slept in it. I told her that she was probably leaving too much space. I told her to ask the vet about it when she took the pup in. She did and the vet answered the same way I did. Too much space and puppies often roll over in their sleep (thus ending up sleeping in the poo). Well, rather than listen to me and the vet, she's now bought those puppy pads.
She went to the puppy pads because she also didn't want to crate the pup when they were out. I (the voice of reason) pointed out that it was probably safer for the dog to be crated when they went out since a lot of puppies eat things they shouldn't and chew on cords and get stuck in places (the puppy weighs only 6 pounds so far). But she still sees the crate as cruel. Grrrr.
Current Mood: aggravated
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November 7th, 2007
11:39 pm - CW Class: Fear
My mother thinks that she's going to die soon. I think she's overreacting but neither her nor my father take good care of themselves, so maybe she's not and I just don't want to think about it.
A part of me feels distanced from my family since I see them so rarely. And a part of me keeps whispering that I'll be okay if and when something happens to them. But a whisper is just a lie, if it was a truth, it would shout to make itself known. As much as I sometimes feel disconnected to my family, I do love them and I can't picture my life without my mother being there.
Maybe what she's said has made me feel uneasy. Maybe that's why I've been calling her three times a week for the past few weeks instead of the usual once a week call.
Of course, my mother didn't tell me she thinks she's going to die soon. She told my sister, who told me. Maybe she didn't want to talk to me about it because every time she talks about me, my sister and my sister's daughter inheriting her jewelry collection, I always tell her I would rather have her. I do avoid the topic because I'm not ready to lose her.
I know Lynette is afraid of losing her parents. I also know her parents are in about the same shape my parents are in, which is no shape at all. I've tried to talk to Lynette about it but I think she's even more afraid of it than I am. I think one of her fears is that her mother will die first and she and her sister will have to deal with their father without their mother's buffer. He's a difficult man. I'm not afraid of having to deal with my father without my mother, I'm more afraid that we'll lose connection even more. For all that I talk to my mother each week, I often go a month with less than ten words spoken to my father. It's nothing mean or anything, no estrangement or fight, it's just that we don't have a lot to talk about. When we all get together we talk, just not over the phone.
I think that tonight, it's okay to pretend everything is just fine.
Current Mood:  cold
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